10 Useful Pieces of Victorian Etiquette

I very much enjoy reading Victorian etiquette books. Although, naturally, I don’t agree with everything, and although some of it is not applicable for most of us today (the majority of us really don’t need to know how you should treat your servants), there’s quite a lot of good common sense in Victorian etiquette.

Here are 10 pieces of Victorian etiquette I’ve taken from the pages of Our Deportment, an etiquette book by John Young which was published in 1880. I’ve chosen some words of wisdom regarding one’s duties as a host, as a visitor, as a gentleman, and as a productive member of society in general.

1.“A gentleman caller must not look at his watch during a call, unless, in doing so, he pleads some engagement and asks to be excused.”

(In other words, if you’re not enjoying a visit, don’t try to drive that point home by obviously waiting for the visit to end. Oh, and although it just says “gentleman caller,” I think it’s safe to say that this advice applies to ladies as well.)

2.“Try to make your guests feel at home; and do this, not by urging them in empty words to do so, but by making their stay as pleasant as possible, at the same time being careful to put out of sight any trifling trouble or inconvenience they may cause you.”

3.“Give as little trouble as possible when a guest, but at the same time never think of apologizing for any little additional trouble which your visit may occasion. It would imply that you thought your friends incapable of entertaining you without some inconvenience to themselves.”

4.“Do not go into society unless you make up your mind to be sympathetic, unselfish, animating, as well as animated. Society does not require mirth, but it does demand cheerfulness and unselfishness, and you must help to make and sustain cheerful conversation. The manner of conversation is as important as the matter.”

(A lot of the Victorian etiquette books stress that to be a good member of society, you first of all need to be a genuinely good person…a very true and refreshing order of priorities.)

5.“Do not be guilty of flattery...Testify your respect, your admiration, and your gratitude by deeds more than by words. Words are easy but deeds are difficult. Few will believe the former, but the latter will carry confirmation with them.”

6. “Certain honest but unthinking people often commit the grievous mistake of “speaking their mind” on all occasions and under all circumstances, and oftentimes to the great mortification of their hearers. And especially do they take credit to themselves for their courage, if their freedom of speech happens to give offense to any of them. A little reflection ought to show how cruel and unjust this is.”

(That one’s for you, Mrs. Rachel Lynde…)

7. “Never try to force yourself into the confidence of others; but if they give you their confidence of their own free will, let nothing whatever induce you to betray it. Never seek to pry into a secret, and never divulge one.”

(And that one’s for you, Lucy Steele…)

8.“To be a good listener is almost as great an art as to be a good talker; but it is not enough only to listen, you must endeavor to seem interested in the conversation of those who are talking.” 

9. “When you “come down” to commonplace or small talk with an intelligent lady, one of two things is the consequence: she either recognizes the condescension and despises you, or else she accepts it as the highest intellectual effort of which you are capable, and rates you accordingly.”

(Of course, this can be true of a gentleman or a lady…pretty much, never assume the level of someone’s intelligence beforehand. It probably won’t turn out well, and also isn’t very polite.)

10. “If anyone should assume a disagreeable tone of voice or offensive manner toward you, never return it in company, and above all, do not adopt the same style of conversation with him. Appear not to notice it, and generally it will be discontinued, as it will be seen that it has failed in its object.”

There you have it! 10 sensible pieces of Victorian etiquette. Which tip did you like best?

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